See that bag of emotional crap? Yeah, that's mine.

I have wonderful people in my life, they are all awesome and they all have issues. Some serious and some not-so. For some of them I know how to deal, and with some I don't and I feel bad because I don't know how.

But that's not my fault. I don't know who to deal with a lot of things, like my own disease.

I was thirteen when I was diagnosed with PCOS. PCOS is short for Polycyclic Ovarian Syndrome. I don't really know what that means and I've had the condition for eight years. Some things I can tell you about it though are these symptoms, hair lose, gaining weight, mood swings, inability to sleep properly and insulin resistant. That is just a brief list of what is wrong with me, there are many other things on this list of symptoms. And I don't talk about it.

Yeah, I'll mention that I have it but, never do I talk about it.

Anyone who knows me know I like to keep things in. Important things, like my feelings and how I'm dealing with these things.

I don't ask anyone to get what I'm going through because really you can't. Not many people can.

It's not just about the disease and what it's doing to me.
It's how I feel about
me
and how I look
how I act
how I seem
how I feel in public
what I do in public
and just how I am.

I don't ask you to get it. I don't even ask you to care really, because for eight years I didn't. I accepted that I wouldn't be pretty, that even at 21 I still have terrible acne, that I'll never be skinny and ultimately never be happy.

And yes, I truly believe those things. And nothing you say will ever change that.

Nothing

For eight years I knew that losing weight was an option. For eight years I cared less and less because anything I tried to do didn't work or I stopped caring because I believe that I didn't deserve to be happy.

I am always hungry.
I usually am angry.
I never feel full.
I'm an emotional train wreck.
I hate how I look
I don't have self-esteem.
I cry often when I'm alone.
I hate talking about how I feel with anyone because I can't control it.

Because I don't want to lash out and stupid materialistic things. Things that are important to some people, that may have been important to me but aren't any longer. And I don't care.

That's what I say and honestly, that is what I feel.
It's what I've been saying for eight years.
But I don't know if that's how I actually feel anymore.
I don't really feel anything.
And I don't know if its because I've pushed it down so far that I can't feel it or
if I've just stopped feeling.

I've always had a high tolerance for pain.
Maybe this is why?

I don't know.
And I don't know who to ask, or what to ask.

I have wonderful amazing friends who all have issues. We all do.
And this is mine.